Why now?

So at the moment, I am sitting in the empty, quiet chapel of Camp Ponderosa Ranch because there is WiFi in here, and no where else.
Its actually very calming in here, clearing the mind.
and maybe, just maybe have some time with God.

Last time, I wrote about James 1:5-8.
and interesting enough it came up into my life once again.
I dont know what God is trying to do...
Thats probably how I'm going to feel for many moments in my life.
But right now, as I have recently came closer to God, this might be one of the first major incidents
of feeling this way.
Verse 6. It starts with "But he must ask in faith without doubting..."
I do not doubt that God is the Almighty Father that knows all.

But one problem i see in myself is patience.
Through this experience, maybe God is trying to teach me patience to wait for his answers and accept them happily in their own time, rather than demand for them in my time.
But once again, I dont know.
I dont know. I dont know. I dont know. I dont know.
I say that a lot. I feel that a lot. and sometimes it tears me apart.
The way i am is I want to know what is going on. Maybe even the smaller details that most people dont worry themselves over. I analyze and most of time I overanalyze. Every little thing goes under a microscope and me thinking how could I have done that better.
And now, being in this position of not knowing and just trusting in God is new to me.
I like to think that I can make a difference in something
BUT i cant. and God reminds me of that over and over. I am nothing without him.

One thing i learned today that I have to keep in my life is that God is not a "rigid" God.
This seems obvious because no matter how many times we screw up, God still can accomplish his plan for us no matter what. But this was a little different.

At first when i thought about God's will, I thought of a one way street that God has in mind that would lead to blessings and glory for Him. No exceptions, just God having his perfect will
When people said, God gave us a choice. I thought of just black and white. Either I make a choice to glory God, or my choice was walking away from Him.
But as I think about it, maybe i was wrong. Maybe God gives us choices that are both white.
More than 1 choice to glory God.
God wants to give us choices.
Its not just the one choice of deciding between God or the world.
But within God, theres different choices that will lead to his ultimate blessing and glory.
This actually scares me... but it makes sense.
I cant hide behind God, and just ask for directions for every step in my life.
That would be like the toddler stage of life.
As we grow in our faith, we should have the Holy Spirit inside of us, giving us the general direction to take.
Of course we should talk to God through prayer to see whether we are heading in the right direction, but we shouldnt be needing implicit directions.
God doesnt want robots that he controls through a remote. He wants living human beings that can show that they can overcome temptation and sin by their own choice. Then He also wants people that can grow in him, still depending on him, but not completely attached.

Its like the first day of kindergarden.
The crying child holding on to their dad's leg, refusing to let go.
No matter how cute that may be at first, a crying baby starts to get annoying.
When the child does let go, they go into their class, and they represent the things that their parents have taught them. They are not completely separated from their Father. They are out into the world, showing others how well their parents have taught them, so when others see them, they will represent the image of their Father.

Yes, i understand that was a silly metaphor. But i want to be the big kid kindergardener.
I have noticed in myself that I am depending on God to tell me the exact actions I should take for him.
How many steps should i take in that direction? How many times do i have to blink?
How many breaths should I take so it would be perfect for your will?
(this is obviously a hyperbole to make a point if you couldnt tell.... :D)
I can guess that certain points in life would be the life changing decision, so God has specific directions for those
But me, right now, I wouldnt know if a life changing decision was there even if it slapped me in the face.
God gives me a direction to follow and I should follow in his Will.
As a child of God, I know what God expects of us. Because I am his son.
I know right from wrong because he has instilled that in me.
David Oh, Just follow God.